How Narcissistic Parenting Can Impact Your Sense of Self and Identity into Adulthood

Many adult children of narcissistic parents come to therapy with a deep sense of disconnection from who they are. They may describe feeling fragmented, uncertain, self-doubting, or have difficulty tapping into their own needs, values, and emotions.

I’m Natalie and I’m a UK-based qualified counsellor and psychotherapist offering therapy to women who grew up with a narcissistic caregiver who want to work on their recovery. This article explores how narcissistic abuse can erode a person’s sense of self and identity, and highlights how therapy can help.

Growing Up With a Narcissistic Parent

Narcissistic parenting is not always overt or dramatic. It often unfolds subtly and gradually within the relationships. It may include patterns such as:

• Chronic invalidation or dismissal of feelings
• Gaslighting (distorting or denying another person’s reality)
• Conditional affection or approval
• Control disguised as care or concern
• Lack of empathy alongside entitlement
• Shifting blame and responsibility

Over time, these relational dynamics create an environment in which the other person’s inner world is consistently undermined.

Identity Is Formed in Relationship

From a developmental psychology perspective, our sense of self does not emerge in isolation. Identity is shaped through early relationships where emotions, thoughts, and needs are recognised and responded to with relative consistency.

When caregivers or significant others reflect back a child’s experience with curiosity and attunement, the child develops a stable internal sense of:

• “My feelings make sense”
• “I can trust my perceptions”
• “I exist as a separate, valid self”

In a narcissistic relationship, this process is disrupted. The relationship revolves around the needs, image, or emotional regulation of the abuser, leaving little space for the authentic self of the child to evolve and grow.

The Gradual Erosion of the Self

Narcissistic abuse often works by undermining your inner confidence. Over time, individuals may learn that:

• Their feelings are “too much” or “wrong”
• Their needs are inconvenient or selfish
• Their perceptions cannot be trusted
• Compliance brings temporary safety

As a result, many people adapt by becoming hyper-attuned to the other person’s moods, expectations, and reactions. This survival strategy can lead to:

• Chronic self-doubt
• People-pleasing and fawning responses
• Difficulty identifying personal preferences or boundaries
• Loss of spontaneity and creativity

What looks like low self-esteem is often a protective adaptation to an unsafe relational environment.

Gaslighting and Reality Confusion

One of the most damaging aspects of narcissistic abuse is gaslighting — the repeated denial or distortion of another person’s lived experience. Over time, this can fracture a person’s sense of reality.

Clients often describe:

• Second-guessing their memories
• Needing constant reassurance
• Feeling confused even after clear interactions
• Losing confidence in decision-making

From a trauma-informed perspective, this is not weakness. It is the nervous system responding to persistent relational threat by prioritising attachment and survival over connecting with your own inner authentic experience.

Shame and the Internalised Critical Voice

Many people affected by narcissistic abuse develop a powerful internal critic. This voice often mirrors the messages received within the abusive relationship:

• “You’re too sensitive”
• “You’re the problem”
• “If you were better, this wouldn’t happen”

Over time, external criticism becomes internalised, shaping identity from the inside out. Shame replaces self-trust, and the person may feel fundamentally flawed or unworthy, even when there is no evidence to support this belief.

Why Leaving Doesn’t Instantly Restore the Self

Many people expect that once the relationship ends, healing will be quick. Instead, they often feel emptier, more anxious, or more lost than before.

This is because narcissistic abuse impacts the structure of identity, not just emotional wellbeing. When a person has organised themselves around another’s needs for a long time, separation can feel destabilising.

Healing involves more than insight — it requires slowly rebuilding:

• Trust in one’s own perceptions
• Emotional attunement to the self
• Boundaries and autonomy
• A coherent narrative of one’s experience

Therapy and the Reconstruction of Identity

In psychotherapy, healing from narcissistic abuse is often a relational process. The therapeutic relationship can offer an antidote to the abusive relationship:

• Consistent validation
• Emotional safety
• Respect and empathy for your inner world

Therapy may involve:

• Making sense of what happened without fear or invalidation, minimisation or blame
• Gently challenging internalised critical voices
• Reconnecting with emotions, values, and preferences
• Learning to recognise and respond to relational red flags
• Developing a more compassionate relationship with the self

This process takes time. Identity repair is not about becoming someone new, but about reclaiming and reconnecting with what was suppressed and never given space to evolve or be expressed.

Taking the Next Step

If you are an adult child of a narcissistic parent or caregiver and are noticing ongoing patterns of self-doubt, people-pleasing, emotional confusion, or difficulty knowing who you are, you may find therapy supportive.

I offer a trauma-informed, relational approach to psychotherapy, providing a calm and respectful space to explore how early family dynamics may still be shaping your sense of self today. I offer online therapy in the UK and in-person / face-to-face therapy sessions in South Manchester.

Please get in touch to arrange an initial consultation or to ask any questions about whether therapy might be right for you.